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Jan. 18th, 2006 11:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jmatonakSomething about the conclusion of tonight's Law & Order really made me mad. Which I suppose is what I get for watching that show.
The show was about assisted suicide. A man was depressed, and he solicited help to end his life. One of the helpers got 3 years in jail, and McCoy's assistant brought up an example of a man trapped under an exploded boiler, who asked onlookers to shoot him- and someone did. McCoy opined that he would not prosecute the shooter in that case, because the boiler, unlike depression, is "real." And that marks the point at which I went on a slow burn.
I've been hurting lately. And I don't mean to hang on to my pain if I don't have to. But I also resent the implication that, because an onlooker can't see what's hurting me, it isn't real. Not to get too sophomore philosophy about these things, but pain is a subjective phenomenon. And while it is true that depression is "all in your head", I cannot just shrug it off.
(There are physical changes associated, even if we can't tabulate or interpret all of them. So it isn't all in my head. But I know what the phrase means.)
I feel weak, and stupid, and a lot of other things, most of which are redundant to some degree. Maybe I ought to be able to just plow through all of this. But the implication that it isn't happening is obviously really hard for me to deal with. I hate all of that shit- "you just *think* you like me"- because what's the fucking difference? This is the world I see, the world I live in. I may see things incorrectly. I probably do. But when I say something hurts, it's because something fucking hurts, TV lawyer asshole.
I'm done venting now. I think.
The show was about assisted suicide. A man was depressed, and he solicited help to end his life. One of the helpers got 3 years in jail, and McCoy's assistant brought up an example of a man trapped under an exploded boiler, who asked onlookers to shoot him- and someone did. McCoy opined that he would not prosecute the shooter in that case, because the boiler, unlike depression, is "real." And that marks the point at which I went on a slow burn.
I've been hurting lately. And I don't mean to hang on to my pain if I don't have to. But I also resent the implication that, because an onlooker can't see what's hurting me, it isn't real. Not to get too sophomore philosophy about these things, but pain is a subjective phenomenon. And while it is true that depression is "all in your head", I cannot just shrug it off.
(There are physical changes associated, even if we can't tabulate or interpret all of them. So it isn't all in my head. But I know what the phrase means.)
I feel weak, and stupid, and a lot of other things, most of which are redundant to some degree. Maybe I ought to be able to just plow through all of this. But the implication that it isn't happening is obviously really hard for me to deal with. I hate all of that shit- "you just *think* you like me"- because what's the fucking difference? This is the world I see, the world I live in. I may see things incorrectly. I probably do. But when I say something hurts, it's because something fucking hurts, TV lawyer asshole.
I'm done venting now. I think.
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Date: 2006-01-19 02:12 pm (UTC)