(no subject)

[jmatonak]

Something about the conclusion of tonight's Law & Order really made me mad. Which I suppose is what I get for watching that show.


The show was about assisted suicide. A man was depressed, and he solicited help to end his life. One of the helpers got 3 years in jail, and McCoy's assistant brought up an example of a man trapped under an exploded boiler, who asked onlookers to shoot him- and someone did. McCoy opined that he would not prosecute the shooter in that case, because the boiler, unlike depression, is "real." And that marks the point at which I went on a slow burn.



I've been hurting lately. And I don't mean to hang on to my pain if I don't have to. But I also resent the implication that, because an onlooker can't see what's hurting me, it isn't real. Not to get too sophomore philosophy about these things, but pain is a subjective phenomenon. And while it is true that depression is "all in your head", I cannot just shrug it off.

(There are physical changes associated, even if we can't tabulate or interpret all of them. So it isn't all in my head. But I know what the phrase means.)

I feel weak, and stupid, and a lot of other things, most of which are redundant to some degree. Maybe I ought to be able to just plow through all of this. But the implication that it isn't happening is obviously really hard for me to deal with. I hate all of that shit- "you just *think* you like me"- because what's the fucking difference? This is the world I see, the world I live in. I may see things incorrectly. I probably do. But when I say something hurts, it's because something fucking hurts, TV lawyer asshole.

I'm done venting now. I think.

Comments

[hazel75.livejournal.com]

I don't know, darling. Things hurt (emotionally and physically) and I can never judge for another. I had a friend commit suicide this year. I can never pretend to know how he felt. And I don't feel like I can judge him for what he did. I do still feel like he could have alleviated his pain in ways other than he did. I just hate the finality of death.

And this is probably totally off the wall, but it's what's fresh on my mind still.

[jmatonak.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about your friend.

I know what you mean about the finality of death. Which is a banal comment, but I often ponder the irreversibility of it. I can't die and then try something else if that doesn't work out. :)

[hazel75.livejournal.com]

And, by the way, I've been the worst lately about responding to anything. It's mainly because I don't feel like I have nothing helpful to say. I am reading though :) as stupid and useless as that may be.

[jmatonak.livejournal.com]

Well, it's good to hear from you, Em. Honest.

[mmaresca.livejournal.com]

"Real" may be a bad choice of words.

"Tangible", and more to the point, "provable in court" would be better. Depression is subjective. You can't prove that the deceased was depressed. Best you can do is prove that he told others he was. And that loses credibility if it's coming from the person you're prosecuting.

[jmatonak.livejournal.com]

Except that, at the point where McCoy makes that explicit comment, the case and the show are *over*. This exchange between McCoy and Borgia marks the end of the show. This is the summation of McCoy's side of the argument with his assistant Borgia- that what the guy went through isn't real, the way being run over by a tractor is.

I'm not angry that anyone went to jail for being involved in a shady and disputable assisted suicide. Earlier in the show, McCoy makes the points you cite several times. Yes, depression is subjective. But just because it's subjective doesn't mean it's not there.

When you go to a doctor complaining of pain, there is a difference between the responses "there isn't really anything we can find" and "no you're not."

Yes, "real" is a fucking terrible choice of words. It's also important to note that I'm not complaining about the quality of the writing. I am taking this far more personally than a sane person would.