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Jan. 18th, 2006 11:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jmatonakSomething about the conclusion of tonight's Law & Order really made me mad. Which I suppose is what I get for watching that show.
The show was about assisted suicide. A man was depressed, and he solicited help to end his life. One of the helpers got 3 years in jail, and McCoy's assistant brought up an example of a man trapped under an exploded boiler, who asked onlookers to shoot him- and someone did. McCoy opined that he would not prosecute the shooter in that case, because the boiler, unlike depression, is "real." And that marks the point at which I went on a slow burn.
I've been hurting lately. And I don't mean to hang on to my pain if I don't have to. But I also resent the implication that, because an onlooker can't see what's hurting me, it isn't real. Not to get too sophomore philosophy about these things, but pain is a subjective phenomenon. And while it is true that depression is "all in your head", I cannot just shrug it off.
(There are physical changes associated, even if we can't tabulate or interpret all of them. So it isn't all in my head. But I know what the phrase means.)
I feel weak, and stupid, and a lot of other things, most of which are redundant to some degree. Maybe I ought to be able to just plow through all of this. But the implication that it isn't happening is obviously really hard for me to deal with. I hate all of that shit- "you just *think* you like me"- because what's the fucking difference? This is the world I see, the world I live in. I may see things incorrectly. I probably do. But when I say something hurts, it's because something fucking hurts, TV lawyer asshole.
I'm done venting now. I think.
The show was about assisted suicide. A man was depressed, and he solicited help to end his life. One of the helpers got 3 years in jail, and McCoy's assistant brought up an example of a man trapped under an exploded boiler, who asked onlookers to shoot him- and someone did. McCoy opined that he would not prosecute the shooter in that case, because the boiler, unlike depression, is "real." And that marks the point at which I went on a slow burn.
I've been hurting lately. And I don't mean to hang on to my pain if I don't have to. But I also resent the implication that, because an onlooker can't see what's hurting me, it isn't real. Not to get too sophomore philosophy about these things, but pain is a subjective phenomenon. And while it is true that depression is "all in your head", I cannot just shrug it off.
(There are physical changes associated, even if we can't tabulate or interpret all of them. So it isn't all in my head. But I know what the phrase means.)
I feel weak, and stupid, and a lot of other things, most of which are redundant to some degree. Maybe I ought to be able to just plow through all of this. But the implication that it isn't happening is obviously really hard for me to deal with. I hate all of that shit- "you just *think* you like me"- because what's the fucking difference? This is the world I see, the world I live in. I may see things incorrectly. I probably do. But when I say something hurts, it's because something fucking hurts, TV lawyer asshole.
I'm done venting now. I think.
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Date: 2006-01-19 02:08 pm (UTC)I'm not angry that anyone went to jail for being involved in a shady and disputable assisted suicide. Earlier in the show, McCoy makes the points you cite several times. Yes, depression is subjective. But just because it's subjective doesn't mean it's not there.
When you go to a doctor complaining of pain, there is a difference between the responses "there isn't really anything we can find" and "no you're not."
Yes, "real" is a fucking terrible choice of words. It's also important to note that I'm not complaining about the quality of the writing. I am taking this far more personally than a sane person would.